We Regret To Inform You …
To: Belford Sunday evening
RE: Your Request for Day Off
The Agitator’s Human Relations Advisory Board has given careful consideration to your request for a one-day leave on 18 February .
I regret to inform you the request has been denied.
Although The Agitator has a large U.S. readership … and although we do traffic occasionally in direct mail … and although Monday, President’s Day, is an official U.S. holiday and there is no mail service, the Advisory Board was adamant in its refusal of your request.
As the Board noted: 1) we have other readers around the world to serve and you have a significant post on the schedule for Tuesday that has not yet been completed; 2) you already had two days of leave in 2009 (although our records are a bit fuzzy on this); and 3) the fact that you do not reside in the U.S. gives you no right to claim a U.S. national holiday.
Further, the Board is mindful that we have no confirmation of your current nationality (ies), so granting this request could open a Pandora’s box of future ‘national holiday’ leave requests.
Tom, on a purely personal note, given our many years of working together, don’t even think about sneaking out and setting your Skype status at “Online” while fishing or otherwise shirking your duties.
P.S. I’m not chauvinistic but I do want you to remember that the U.S. has technologically superior drones that can reach everything and everyone, everywhere. Even though we can’t deliver the mail.