Awhile back, I proffered an email appeal by Environmental Defense Fund (EDF) as an example of a well-executed appeal, and invited readers to critique it themselves. The robust discussion that ensued inspired us to try this as a regular feature. So we invited readers to offer up their own fundraising appeals to run through the Agitator Gauntlet.
We now have a backlog of appeals that some of you have courageously offered up, and we’ll start to publish them.
Here’s the first “victim.”
From Michael Mitchell, Director for Annual Giving at Oklahoma Christian University, here is what Michael calls their “most effective email from the last year.” The “Welcome Kit Appeal” was “targeted to our alumni with any kind of connection to our international studies program and to anyone who had given to this fund or a similar area on campus in the past. Fortunately, as a university, we have a lot of data on our people. ”
The subject line of the email was: Because life doesn’t fit in a suitcase. And the “Sender” was: If they were just previous donors, the address was “advancement@oc.edu” and if they were alumni the address was “alumni@oc.edu”.
Welcome Kit Appeal. What advice do you have for Michael?
Tom
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Since I think I might be first to comment, I’ll start with the easy bits
… and a hearty thank-you to Michael, for sharing, is top of the list. Thanks!
Five good points:
1. Engaging story.
2. Not stuffy or bombastic.
3. Ask solves a problem and is easy to get your head around.
4. Subject line nice and short, hovers around 35 characters.
5. Good conversational tone.
Five quick fixes that would help make it better:
1. Reconsider sender; addresses like alumni@oc.edu sound ‘e-blast alarm’ in a donor’s head.
2. Personalize the message: ‘Dear Michael,’ ‘Dear Tom,’ etc.
3. Add a signatory. It’s a wonderful story that deserves to come from someone … maybe head of international students?
4. Is there a ‘Juliette’ photo you could use? Feet and suitcase nice, eyes and faces usu. pull better.
5. Add a P.S. (Even in e-mails, they work.)
Thanks again, Tom and Michael. Look fwd. to reading comments! Lisa
I agree with much of what Lisa said, the story is engaging and I think has great impact. Do you think it would have a bit more impact if it was written in the first person – from Juliette’s perspective specifically?
The thing that kept nagging at me though was the references to Walmart – twice in the email. Is Walmart a sponsor of this program? If so, yes, leave it in. But if not, I’d take it out altogether. Some people have very strong feelings against Walmart and would not make a gift based on this mention. Or you may have alumni who work for the competition – same issue.
Never, never, NEVER put “click here.”
W3C has a great article about it at http://www.w3.org/QA/Tips/noClickHere
I think it is great! Love the story. Nice work, Michael! You are not only brave to be the first, but also an engaging writer.
I agree with Lisa’s suggestions to give it just another ounce of oomph. I’d also be inclined to add something about what you can get with a $25, $50 or $75 gift. Maybe something like:
For $100, Juliette will come to her new home to find a new set of sheets, two sets of towels, and a fluffy pillow for her first night far from home.
For $75, blah, blah, blah.
People will be able to envision how far their money will go.
I curious about why Wal-Mart was specifically mentioned? Are they a project sponsor or other key partner? I don’t think I’d be willing to offer up a brand name like that without a key partnership, but that is just me. Maybe they could offer to match in-kind whatever people donate? That would be great for the donor and the student!
Thanks for letting us learn from your appeal, Michael.
Now, what can I steal from this email?
-KS
Great concept, but I thought the letter missed a chance to convey some of the excitement Juliette must feel at the opportunity ahead of her. This needn’t be just a grim “Someone needs help!” appeal, it’s a chance to connect with readers, reminding them of their own combined fear and wonder as they got ready for college. In fact, starting off with a reference to her being “tired” and “hungry” is oddly reminiscent of letters appealing for help for, say, refugees or others in more dire need. Was it meant to be tongue in cheek? I couldn’t tell for sure, but if so, some more verbal clues, and a lighter tone in some parts, would have helped.
I thought this was about the smoothest ask I’ve seen in a long time. So natural, and it flowed.
The email made me smile. It’s an upbeat story that pulls the reader in immediately and has lots of detail to make it real.
I loved the idea of “helping welcome international students to campus this fall.”
I didn’t love the cumbersome and passive sentence construction: “everything that would have been required . . can be purchased . . .
Think you could make that point sing a lot stronger with different phrases.
Way to go Michael, and congrats for bravely sharing!
I agree with all the above comments, especially the one about giving an example of what each amount would buy. The story was great, easy to read and connect with.
I also got a little hung up on the mention of Walmart specifically. Was there a reason for that? And, at least where I am, just saying Walmart could potentially turn off donors due to the strong opinions many people have about that business. Since you mention it specifically, they could assume you would support that store with their donation and therefore choose not to donate due to their own feelings about Walmart.
Overall, great appeal! Thanks for sharing!
Love the program idea and that it tells a story, one where we can provide a happy ending. Also a big fan of the subject line.
However, I didn’t love the third person angle. It would have been great to hear from Juliette. “All the way from the airport, I was worrying, did I have enough for the cab to Walmart? How much would sheets cost? Then I got to my room, and the bed was made with a welcome note. It was like a guardian angel was watching over me.” (okay, maybe that’s a dream quote, but I bet there are some good ones to be had.)
Thanks for sharing the appeal!
First of all, Tom, thanks for using my submission. What an interesting, fun, and strange feeling to have your work evaluated by other fundraisers with no connection to your own organization. Even so, the wisdom of crowds is obvious and I look forward to incorporating some of the other readers’ suggestions the next time I use this appeal. The idea of writing it in first person is very good and I will probably also include what the different amounts would have purchased nex time. Thank you Mary Beth and Kim for those two suggestions.
As for all the comments about Wal-Mart, there really was no significant reason for referencing it by name other than the fact that it makes the story more realistic for the reader. Our campus is located right by a WM and so “making a Wal-Mart run” just happens to be one of those quintessential shared experiences that most of our students (international or otherwise) have their first few days on campus. No one ever remembers to pack everything.
Tom, thanks again sir! Your blog is a great resource! Keep up the good work.